Tommorrow, I will bring my beloved girls back with me to UK. This post will, I'm sure, incur the wrath of some. But this is my blog and I should be able to write what I want. In fact, there were many things and issues I'd wanted to write here in the past but due to the readership, I couldn't (Kudos to you, Mel). I had even protected some identities in order not to create a stir. Coming back to Singapore this time, I learnt that my mother-in-law had asked my mum to tell me not to write certain things here. I don't know when she told her that but I can only recall once (when I came back) that my mum dropped a subtle hint that I shouldn't be writing certain things on my blog. I was puzzled because she doesn't read my blog. Now, I know why.
2007 had been a very memorable year for me. Like everyone in this world, I have my share of ups and downs. But the past 3 years had been more downs than ups. I don't think I'm the only one who has the sentiment that living abroad is not an easy business. But I had somewhat managed so far. I knew what I was in for, well not totally though. There will be no help when I needed so, be it childcare or domestic chores. If I have problems, I can't just pick up the phone to call a friend or family. A lot of things (other than bringing home the bacon), I have to handle myself. But 3 years passed by and I am still one piece. No doubt torn and battered, I am still myself and my girls are healthy and happy.
I certainly don't live the life of a tai-tai like some may think. That is indeed laughable. Even though I had travelled to a few places this year (who doesn't go holidays?), they were 'tag-alongs' and the last trip to Hong Kong was to steal some much needed couple-time. I don't classify that as having a jet set lifestyle. How can I be a tai-tai when all I do is housework and chauffering the family around and shopping at supermarkets making sure we have food in the fridge?
This past year, I learnt of certain people's secrets. Some very dark ones too. Shocking they may be but I got to know their true colours. It can be very upsetting but once you get over it and stay away from them, life goes on.
Coming back to Singapore 3 weeks ago, I was initially filled with lots of excitement and raring to do many things and go to lots of places. I came back in search for peace, reconciliation with myself and hoped that by being at a place called my home, I will be recharged and all ready for the new year. These were not meant to be. I ended up more depressed and alone. Now, I have to rethink my future and make changes to my plan for the immediate future. Why? The reason being that my husband will continue to stay in Singapore while I go back with our girls. I certainly didn't foresee this happening. Not us staying or him. He told me he's staying only 2 days ago.
Apparently, my husband had rung my mum while I was still in UK telling her that he would like the girls and I to stay in Singapore while he completes his PhD. I had to hear about it from my sister-in-law's boyfriend. Even then, he got the information wrong that my husband will stay while we go back or something like that. Once information had been passed from one person to another, it will get skewed. I don't know how many more people knew about it before I found out accidentally. Pathetic right? I'm the involved party yet I was kept in the dark. To say that I was furious was an understatement. I told my mother-in-law that I will not stay. She then suggested the whole family staying. I rejected that idea. She questioned my ability to cope in UK while his son completes the last hurdle of his course.
If we stay, he will live with his parents while the girls (technically) and I will be at my parents. You read that right. Us, a family unit, living like that. He said I could live like a family over at his parents but it's that I don't want to. Why would I want to revisit the old days? Even now we are here on holiday, we slept in my inlaws room due to space constraints. Do I want to carry on with this arrangement? No. There will be more conflicts on top of the exisiting ones between my husband and I. The girls will be like commodities. There will have to be a roster as to when they should be at their paternal grandparents' place and when they should be here with me. Do I want to live a life like that? No. Furthermore, we had only packed for a holiday here and didn't plan our stuff back in UK for spending more months in Singapore. My husband said I should leave the girls here while I go back to pack. What?! To spend tens of hundreds of dollars to fly back to pack and then come back? Did I say I'm not a tai-tai? Where do I get the money from? I'm not going to accept any offers to pay for it again. Where will my dignity go? Despite me making clear that I will go back with the girls, my husband insisted on staying. When he was the one who didn't want to come back earlier and even complained that 2 weeks was too long. When he was the one who laughed at my idea of staying in Singapore while we were still in UK because he kept lamenting we have no money. Now, he is staying and doesn't know for how long.
We are ready to leave, despite how heartbroken I am. If not for my parents and sisters, I would have left earlier. The girls will no longer have heat rashes or itchy skin when we get back. I hope I will be a stronger person at the end of it. I have to be.
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